I wasn’t going to post all this, but God used Mt. 25 to
change my mind.
“Received, went, digged, hid…his lord’s money.”
“And I was afraid, and went and hid thy talent in the earth:
lo, there thou hast that is thine.” (Mt. 25:25)
Go, trade, and gain.
Here is some of the ‘talent’ that God has been giving me in
the last couple of months:
Tuesday, September
11, 2007
For the last while I have had, on the edge of my existence,
a feeling of being on the verge of something… And now that I am closer to it, I
begin to see it take shape. It tastes like un-salted potatoes when the salt
shaker is on the other side of the table and you’d rather not ask for it. It
feels like that dream I had where the big beautiful bathtub turned into a
laundry basket full of holes right when I wanted to use it. It acts like I did
that day when everything I tried to do went wrong and I wound up very
frustratedly doing absolutely nothing. It looks like…well, it’s an optical
illusion of something that you are so relieved to finally have within your
reach, but when you try to pick it up, it doesn’t come. It feels like…being
surrounded by a big stone fence while you can see the mountains beyond it.
Hearing the sounds of life all around…what is it like? Knowing that somehow
just standing on the other side of the fence would make you feel 100 times
better. Being tantalized by the occasional glimpse of what you long to feast
your eyes on. Wanting out. So near and yet so far. Possible, and yet so
infuriatingly impossible.
Is that crazy? Because I’m thinking that may be what’s out
there…just beyond this fence I’m climbing right now…
…
The way God works is unexplainable. It’s amazing how without
anything else changing, one hour with Him can change everything. How awesome to
find that it’s really the opposite of what it was. Instead of the infuriating
impossible out-of-reach, it’s the unbelievable reality that’s so… real you
can’t believe it. Instead of wanting and reaching for something, I find it
lovingly spread out before me, and I no longer know what to do with it…but just
stare in amazement. It’s like believing that you are unlovable, and then trying
to grasp the fact that someone loves you passionately. It’s like when He showed
me my first shooting star, and I stared at the night sky afterwards, trying to
make myself believe my eyes. It’s getting what you desire with all your heart,
and being surprised to find that it’s so much better than you thought it was.
He is so real, so close, so all-encompassing that I just wanted to sit there
forever trying to take it in. It’s almost like the out-of-reach, only in a
completely different way. My humanity can’t quite grasp it, not because God’s
love is beyond my reach….but because He is so close, so totally mine.
Being with Jesus makes all the problems seem stupid, not
because He makes light of them, but because somehow thinking about them would
be making light of Him. To let them overtake me would be turning my back to
Him. When I am with Him, I know.
Wednesday,
September 12, 2007
If I didn’t believe in God, I would swear that someone reads
my journal.
Monday, September
17, 2007
“Thou hast proved mine heart; thou hast visited me in the
night, thou hast tried me…” (Ps. 17)
Tuesday, September
18, 2007
“He sent from above, he took me, he drew me out of many
waters.” (Ps. 18)
Thursday, September
20, 2007
I dreamed last night about… well, it seemed that I got what
I wanted. Whatever it was, when it came, I felt as if I should accept it based
on the fact that I was the one who asked for it in the first place. But at the
same time, a feeling of… “I can’t believe I just actually got what I wanted….I
don’t even want it!! How do I get myself out of this?! Please don’t make me do
this!!” And whatever it was that I had despised when I had it before, now seemed
the only thing in the world I wanted. “Don’t make me give that up….just because
I complained about it doesn’t mean I didn’t want it…” My worst enemy was
myself, and yet I blamed my troubles on whoever it was that had the audacity to
give me what I wanted. Silly me. What was I thinking? And what was I wanting…
Sunday, September
23, 2007
How can my life be much more of a roller coaster than this? “Waiting and ready to fall into the arms of
my father once more. Even though we have been here before, I remain in awe of
everything you do, and everything I am is holding on to you…” Lord, you are
more patient than I deserve. You put up with my bumblings and worries and
end-of-the-worlds and tragicly pathetic cries for help. “…because my weakness is greater than my strength, but your strength is
stronger than my weakness…” You never belittle me for having such small
vision and small faith, but show me your love in whatever way I can see it.
Last night I was too upset to listen to a still small voice, but you spoke to
me through your Word anyway. I love the way you are so…uncontainable,
unpredictable. Each time you tell me you love me, you do it in a different way.
You are willing to work with me in my weakness, but at the same time, you don’t
always do it in the way I ask. It’s so comforting to know that you will not
change, you will not give in, you will not give me second best, even if I think
I want it. Jesus, help me to stay on the altar…I want to be a living sacrifice.
Never let me harden myself so that you have to turn me over to my desires. “You never give up on me…though I’m weak you
are strong, you told me I still belong…no you never give up on me.”
“Like oil upon your
feet, like wine for you to drink, like water from my heart, I pour my love on
you….if praise is like perfume, I’ll lavish mine on you, till every drop is
gone, I’ll pour my love on…”
Thinking about being lonely…not having anyone to talk to.
When I’m down and out, I only have Jesus. It’s been a while since I have felt
like He is the Only One. In the last couple months I’ve tested him as a friend,
ignored him, ran to him, been selfish, cried to him into the night, been in awe
of his love, forgot, remembered, complained, received. I don’t think I’ve ever
felt my humanity so much, been so broken and yet so wrapped up in myself. I’ve
found it’s true that He is a Faithful Friend. A few more weeks of this and I
may be able to say that even if the whole world was against me, I would gladly
bear it if He was with me.
Friday, September
28, 2007
Good things:
A two-minute violin lesson
Mr. T. and his power tools
Trying to stifle my laughter as Reece ceremoniously shook
the palm branch
Building a fire in the tabernacle
Saritaaa…Anitaaa….Saritaaaa…Anitaaa…
The lid blowing off the loaded ‘grape juice’ bottle
Reaching out a little for some encouragement, and getting it
Holding signs in the pouring rain
Using Martin Elio Ricci signs as umbrellas
Friends, tamales and good atole, all in one night!
Touring the beautiful hotel in San
Cristobal
Poinsettia trees
Eating and laughing with the maids
A picture of me with pink hair…drawn by Rosie and Anita
Sunday, September
30, 2007
I just found a Psalm that expresses everything: You have
lifted me up. O Lord my God, I cried to You and You have healed me. Lord, you
have lifted up my soul from the grave. You have kept me alive. I give thanks at
the remembrance of your holiness. In your favor is life. Weeping may endure for
a night, but Joy comes in the morning. You hid your face; I was troubled; I
cried to you, O Lord. What good is there in my death? Will the dust praise you?
Hear, have mercy, be my helper. You have turned my mourning into dancing. You
took away my rags and covered me with Gladness. You did this because you have
designed me to praise you, and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks
to you forever.
That’s how this month has been. I’m going to die. You turn
it into life. What good am I? I am all Yours. I’m at the end. But that’s where
I find the beginning. Joy is not so deep and wide and full until after weeping.
To find Your face looking on me… how can I know the Joy of it until after it
was hidden to me? I’m back to my raw self…and it’s just me and You again.
Saturday, October
20, 2007
Haggai
“Ye looked for much, and lo, it came to little; and when ye
brought it home, I did blow upon it. Why???? ….
…saith the Lord of hosts. Because of mine house that is
waste, and ye run every man unto his own house.”
“….from this day will I bless you.”
Just like that… turn around, repent, and God decides to
shake up the whole heaven and earth and destroy all my enemies, and lift me up…
because He says He has chosen me. The Lord of hosts has chosen me… “From this
day…” Who else is so faithful? So ready
to forgive? He has his blessings all planned out, all ready to pour on my head.
He knows. It’s Him who makes it hard so He can bring me back. Every day if need
be. Who else but Him?
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